Much farther to go.. 

“I have much farther to go and I, I’m so confused.. I know I should just kick my heels together and go home but I lost my way..” -Rosie Thomas

Do you ever feel like you’re falling short of the person you were supposed to be, the person you want to be? I’ve always liked being on my own, you know? but recently… Recently, I can’t help but think that this is not what my life’s supposed to be, this isn’t how it’s supposed to have turned out. I can’t help but think that by keeping myself to myself the way I do, I’m limiting the possibility my life holds. Life is moving on day by day, and I don’t want to find myself left behind. I want to live, I want to allow myself to trust and be vulnerable. I want to meet people from all over this world and I want to make a difference. I just don’t know how.. I don’t know how it got to this but I don’t even know who I am.. not really. I don’t know when I got so scared of living, but I know that I can’t go on like this. I have much farther to go and I know truth and love and wonder will drive me on, one step at a time..

Immensity 

“When you go through the valley and the shadow comes down from the hill. If morning never comes to be, be still, be still.. If you forget the way to go and lose where you came from. If no one is standing beside you, be still and know I am.” -The Fray

Life is big, life is daunting, but despite that being true, life is just that, it’s life. Sometimes, I find myself almost paralysed with fear with the thought of how  immense life really can be.. and it is, it is immense. I’ve always thought of that as a bad thing, you know? Like, I’m young but I’ve seen so many people I love struggle through so many horrific things and I’ve seen how hard it can be for some people to go through each day in their life. Life is immense and it can sometimes be so overwhelming and so many of us can get lost in the push and shove of the world around us, but what I think we forget is that we’re not alone. Every single one of us knows what it’s like because we’re all going through the same thing, circumstances differ but at the end of the day we’re all finding our way through the immensities in our lives. So be still, right where you are in your life, just.. be still and know that someone is right there with you. Someone cares, and every day we face new challenges, new hopes but in the grand scheme of things it’s only life. We’re given a gift of waking up every morning and you know what? One day that will cease but right now I’m here and I’m going to fight against the immensity even if it threatens to overtake me at times because I know that at the finish line of my life, it won’t matter about the so called immensity of my life.. What will matter is that I did it, I made it and I lived to the best of my abilities and most of all, I lived with love in my heart. It’s so easy to succumb to stuff like hate, jealousy and bitterness but they only poison and destroy and although we’re all human and we will fail, that also becomes our saving grace. So be still and know that I’m with you. We’ll get there.

What happened to loving thy neighbour? 

Some ‘Christians’ make me so angry, and yes that’s coming from a Christian. The amount of people that go around saying they’re a Christian and then hate with such ferocity makes me sick. Particularly when they say stuff under the pretence that that’s what God wants.. I’ve ranted about this previously so I won’t go on..

Be healthy. 

So I saw this article talking about a ‘K-e diet’ or something along those lines, and it basically uses a feeding tube to feed the people taking part in the diet. That’s all they have. It works in such a way that your urge to eat suffers, and you lose weight drastically. You pretty much starve yourself of your natural instincts and apparently it’s the new way of reaching ‘perfection’ quickly and easily. I don’t know the exact details as it wasn’t something I felt comfortable taking the time to read but what I did read made me feel sick. I don’t think I will ever be able to just accept that this is the way society has become, and you know what, I don’t ever want to be able to. Why? because people are dying as a result of this ‘strive for perfection’. They end up needing to lose weight, and needing to control what they eat and then before they know it there’s no going back. Trust me, I watched one of my best friends struggle with an eating disorder for 5 years, and it’s not easy, at all. However, how can we expect anything to change if this is what doctors are saying is acceptable. It’s not. It’s not healthy and it’s not right. Please look after your bodies, they’re all beautiful, don’t succumb to society’s skewed view of what’s normal. I just honestly don’t understand when this will end, and it scares me.

Personal post: losing a friend. 

You know it’s funny what reminds you of people. I went shopping today and decided to pop into Cancer Research to see what books they have in as the library was severely lacking, and I was hit by the fact that the last time I was in there was with my friend Laura. She was looking for a scarf and we were just joking around, and it’s like I could almost see her there. I was just stood there today looking at the spot she was stood in over a year ago. It’s so weird to think that she’s gone. I don’t know, it just hits me sometimes. Life really is short, and it kind of makes me feel guilty for not doing more with mine..

Change. 

“If you knew that you would die today, if you saw the face of God and love, would you change?” -Tracy Chapman.

There are some moments in my life where I find myself basking in the stillness around me, and I’m just hit by how short life is. I mean, people leave, people die, that’s life, you know? It’s hard but surely we’re still here, at this moment and at this time, for a reason. What am I doing with the life I’ve been given? Am I living every day in the hope of a better tomorrow, in the pursuit of something I have yet to reach but have hope to? Am I living with the resignation that this is the best I think it’s going to get? Am I chasing my dreams, am I taking advantage of the time I have here? Am I opening my heart to love, am I making a difference? I just wonder what I would see if I looked at my life from the outside. Am I the person I was meant to be, that I want to be or have I fallen short of that? If I knew this was my last day, would I do anything differently? Why shouldn’t I do that today? Life is like a hurdles race, and as you go along you may stumble and you may fall but surely to end the race the right way, we have to pick ourselves up, correct our technique and keep moving. Just keep moving. What would it take for me to let go and to forgive those who’ve done wrong to me, what would I have to lose to change? Why risk falling, ‘if you knew that you would die today, if you saw the face of God and love, would you change?’ I guess I don’t want to look back at my life and realise that I shouldn’t have waited, that I should have started fighting for the right thing and the right me a long time ago.

Musings of an 18 year old.. 

Is it weird that I’m not interested in having a relationship with a guy at this point in my life? So many people around me are happily in relationships and in all honesty the whole concept scares me. I’m still not done figuring out exactly who I am, let alone who I am in relation to another person. It’s just funny how many people I’ve turned away because of my inability to commit to anybody or allow someone to truly have the whole of me. When I was a few years younger, I used to fall hard and fast for guys who never even wanted me and now people are finally interested I don’t want anything to do with it. It just seems pretty ironic to me. I guess sometimes I wonder if I’m just destined to be alone…

“You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do” 

Since being at uni I’ve had to learn a lot about myself and who I am essentially, and I’ve noticed how much of a guard I put around my heart. I don’t feel like I’m ready to share a part of myself, well not in the way other people do. I love the people I hang around with but I’m not the type of person that sticks around. I like talking to a load of people, I like getting to know different people from different walks of life. I’ve always been the type of person that doesn’t get attached, it’s just who I am. It takes me a long time to trust someone enough to attach myself to them, that’s why the best friends I do have are practically like my family. I find the world a fascinating place and I feel like there’s so much we can learn just by talking to people, you know? It just feels wrong to limit yourself to one group, one clique, just because that’s what’s expected of you. I want to travel the world, I want to see the beauty that surrounds us all every day from different vantage points. I want to help people from here and from the other side of the world. I want people to know that someone out there cares, even if it is only for a season in their lives, just a chapter in their life story. How can I do that if I don’t venture outside of the comfort of what’s expected. I guess what I’m trying to say is, we’re all blessed to be here, and life is short. I just don’t want to waste it, you know? I think that’s what scares me the most.. Not being able to fulfil my purpose on this Earth, because I believe we were all made for a purpose.

(Source: georgiedavey)

Happy Valentine’s Day 

Whether you’re alone, in a relationship, just testing the waters with someone, or whether you’ve been with someone for several years now, have a great day. Wherever you are in your life, there’s one thing you can do and that’s smile and hold onto the simple things and the simple gifts that you are lucky enough to experience every day. So go ahead and tell the people you love that they mean something to you, and go on and put that smile on the faces of the people around you.

Happy Valentine’s day my loves <3

Personal post. 

I just finished watching One Tree Hill and I feel numb. I couldn’t even cry watching it. It’s Laura’s birthday today, she would have been 19, I thought I could just go on with today like normal but I can’t. One of my best friends would have been 19 today and I would have already sent her a crazy long ass birthday text as usual, but she’s not here. In all honesty I feel like I failed her as a friend when she needed support the most, and today of all days it’s killing me. She was too young and too kind-hearted and beautiful, inside and out, to just go.. especially like she did. She fought hard and she will never not be an inspiration in my life, even though she lost in the end. I know she’s happy now, but I just wish I could have had a chance to say bye. Happy birthday Laura, I miss you more than words could say. We said we’d always be ‘special friends’, I haven’t forgotten and.. we will. You will always be in my heart. Always. <3

All that you are.. 

‘Don’t you cry tonight. Rest your precious eyes, ‘cause all that you are is beautiful child. It’s nothing they can change, it’s nothing you can hide.’ 

This week has been a long one. I’m sitting here right now at 3am listening to Ross Copperman- ‘They’ll Never Know’ on repeat and just thinking. I’ve been watching a lot of One Tree Hill the last couple of days.. More than normal, I mean. I guess I like that I can find the same comfort in the words, the music and the simple magic that I did when I first watched it. It gives me hope that I’ll find my way in the end, maybe I’m ‘destined for greatness’ too, you know? The music really is beautiful too. I guess, I’m just thankful for it. It’s got a subtle beauty to it.. I really will miss it.

So a quick message to anyone reading this:

You are beautiful and you are precious, don’t hide from that. You’ll stumble and you’ll fall but you’ll find your way somewhere down the road, and it’ll be worth it all.

Why I believe what I believe. 

You know it’s funny the amount of people who are so quick to judge others. How many times have you come to have an opinion about someone or something before you even get to know the reason behind why they say what they say, or before you get to know exactly what that ‘thing’ represents? We all do it, myself included. Personally I think it’s far better to get to know what other people think, and what other people believe and more importantly why. It doesn’t mean I agree with them, but it means that I can begin to try to understand them. Just a point. See, when I say I’m a Christian, there’s automatically an opinion built up about me as a person. You can actually see that opinion form in the time it takes to formulate those simple words. It’s sad because no one asks me why, they assume I’m just naive, or, and I quote, ‘one of those people’. It’s not their fault though, it’s because all that is portrayed by the ‘Church’ as a whole is wrong. We see preachers on TV preaching about God and Jesus, and then those same people turn around and do things out of spite and hate. When Jesus was asked what the most important commandment was he spoke about love. It’s funny because in the bible it’s clear that Jesus was not part of the ‘religious’ group. He spent his ministry life, talking to tax-collectors, cheats, prostitutes, lepers, and all the people everyone else in society chose to hate. He did it out of love. He spoke to those people, he got to know those people and he loved those people. He knew that it isn’t the wealthy that need God, it’s the poor. It’s not the healthy that need God the most, it’s the sick. Love the people around you and don’t be so quick to judge. I believe in God, and I believe in Jesus, and I believe in the Bible. I don’t believe in Religion, in hate, and in judging people. This is what I believe, and this is a little bit of why. You don’t have to believe the same thing but just please get to know people first. Sound teaching in Churches is sadly becoming harder and harder to come by, and if you’re a Christian reading this be careful that what you’re hearing is the truth. Thanks for reading and sorry for the rant.

<3

Update. 

I’ve just come home from Laura’s funeral and wow is all I can say. It was such a beautiful tribute to an even more beautiful friend. The main message of the funeral for me was that although Laura couldn’t save herself she had a huge heart for people who have felt just like she had. I always admired that about her, she always inspired me to be the best person I could be. Her goal was for people to gain self-confidence and to know that they’re beautiful, so that they wouldn’t have to go down the road she did. I just wanted to post this to say that whoever you are, if you happen to come across this post, and you’re struggling right now, know that ‘you are amazing, just the way you are’. That’s the song that was playing as we walked in. She used to love it for obvious reasons. Anorexia is a disease that is often misunderstood, it is usually turned to as a means of gaining ‘control’. There are other ways, stay strong and keep fighting. I’m glad Laura is in peace now, but I’ll miss her and her beautiful smile for years to come.

Hope you all have a great day, and remember that your life is a gift. Don’t waste it. <3

To the New Year. 

“All I was searching for was me.. Oh my darling, keep your head up, keep your heart strong” -Ben Howard.

So here we are, watching another year come to an end. 2011 has been a tough year for many of us, me included but right now we have an opportunity to put all the hurt, the disappointment, the anger, and anything else that we’re carrying around with us, to rest. Let’s start 2012 having gotten rid of the burdens that came with 2011 and ready to give ourselves the chance to truly become the people that we always wanted to be. That doesn’t mean we have to change who we are, it just means we have to open our hearts to the possibilities that are ahead of us. Change is something a lot of us crave but tend to fear, that’s true for me anyway, but I’ve decided to promise myself one thing, I will fight to be someone who tries. I know, in reality, it won’t be easy and I will try several times to give up but 2012 is going to be the year I keep my head up and keep my heart strong.

Happy new year to you all <3